How do I know?
After a successful recital and good dinner last night, Will had a meltdown. I had asked him and Mack to clean the rabbit cages. He didn't complain--he knows he is responsible for that job. Mack suggested they each get a portion of the necessary tools. It was even an equitable division of labor. Will, however, only wanted to get the garbage back and scoop. Mack wanted the shaving and litter ready too. Will demanded they do it his way and physically prevented Mack from getting the other materials. I stopped Will and told him he didn't need to micromanage his brother. "Get the tools you need and start the job, Will". He balled his fists and growled. A sure sign he was approaching meltdown status. I offered a hug, recognized he was struggling, encouraged him to move on. "Get the job done so you can go to bed. I know you're tired. It has been a long day". More growling. "Ok, please change your attitude and work together or you may do it alone". This earned me an actual yell. "I hear you're struggling, but you know this job is necessary. Let's try to calm and get it done". More growling. "Ok, Mack, go on. Will finish alone". Though Will did finish, he growled and cried throughout. He was also to vacuum up whatever mess resulted from the changing of the cages. He did so. The thing is, I never can tell when he is really struggling or when he is being obstinant. And, perhaps his obstinance is the struggle manifesting. I keep calm...well, try to. But, I can't let him out of responsibility because he is growling and yelling at me. I can't let him mistreat and disrespect his siblings because he is struggling. We have to help him get through those times of disconnect AND accomplish his chores. I offered him hugs when he came up for bed and he declined. He did let me cuddle him after prayer though. I asked him a hard for me question too. "Do you want a new therapist?" He had one a few years ago. We left that practice because we didn't feel it was helping. The counselor was kind and Will liked her, but we weren't getting anything new. I am looking for something profound I suppose. Will might just need someone to talk to outside of Leigh and myself. He said yes. He wanted a new therapist. I felt gut punched. I am not enough. I am his mother. I love him more deeply than anyone could. But I am not enough. He needs something I cannot give. I promised I would make calls starting Monday. I promised I would do everything he needed me to. I held back my own tears until I had gone to Leigh. Will doesn't need to know that I feel inadequate. He doesn't need to know that it hurts that I am not enough. He just needs to know that I love him and will do whatever he needs me to do for him. The truth is, I am not enough. I need help to help him. I know we are approaching his puberty and I know the scary statistics about people like him in puberty. They are more likely to commit suicide. He needs someone professional to talk to. That person isn't me. I will find him someone though. Listen to your babies. Sometimes, they know what they need. Even when we don't want to admit that truth.