I have always seen beauty in what others call weeds. Wildflowers, dandelions, clovers are all lovely to me. Will has always reminded me of the Five Iron Frenzy song "Dandelions" which repeats the line, "you see flowers in these weeds". I see Will's flowery personality under his rough exterior. I see deeper than others. I see his heart that loves others deeply. I see his yearning for information and his desire for fairness. I see his wild imagination and his love of mythology and books.
I see how he gazes at his baby sister in absolute admiration and love. Will is the gentlest big brother. He holds a special place in his heart for the littles he encounters.
Even as he nears teenagedom, he continues to gravitate toward the younger people around him rather than those his age. However, as he nears his teen years, he is struggling more with compromise, equality and equity, communication, and interpersonal relationships. Two years ago, he allowed me to cut his hair to donate. This year, he has not yet reached the point where he is okay with losing the length. I am trying to be patient with him, but his long hair requires help from me.
Will has long had difficulty with compromise and flexibility. I see it more often now than I did a few years ago. Yesterday alone, he had an issue with communication or flexibility every hour or more. I am battling a back injury at the moment and am unable to directly address every squabble that occurs when the kids are playing outside. This results in a lot more in and out of the house and crying in frustration (from both kids and me) because they are struggling with communicating with each other.
I talk Will through his feelings and help him think rationally. I work hard to teach him the skills he needs in life to be able to have these conversations himself. I also try to work with the other kids on how to talk to each other and Will in a way that ensures everyone understands what each other person needs.
Yesterdays meltdowns compounded with the last few weeks of increased intensity leave me wondering whether we need to seek another therapist for Will. Without equine therapy, he seems to be struggling more. We stopped seeing the therapist he had before Covid when Covid hit. We had been doing pretty well until recently too. But his recent difficulties are making me wonder. I know I need to sit with him when he is in a good place to see if he and I can arrive at a plan to help him succeed. But lately I wonder whether I am enough. Do he and I need outside help? Will he respond well to virtual therapy? Is it safe to attempt to spend time with some horses?
I know I am not the only one asking these kinds of questions regularly. Every mother wonders if she is enough. Every mother asks what she's doing wrong and what can she do better. We all take on the world and beat ourselves up when the world is too big. Join me in making your world smaller. Join me in ensuring your own mental stability. We weren't meant to do this alone. We were meant to have a village and helpers. I can be your helper. And I am getting my own help. Reach out today, or any day, if you're beginning to see the weeds instead of the flowers. There are people who can help.